I struggle a lot with today’s second reading. I largely avoid it, as I imagine many people do. On a day where I love celebrating family, I have a hard time hearing the words ‘subordinate’ and ‘obey,’ especially knowing this reading has been used to justify untold amounts of harm to women and children. I have chosen to remain in a church that has communicated to me in various ways that my value as a woman is less than that of a man. Today’s letter from Paul does not offer me much consolation.

But if I take my discipleship seriously - what does it mean to skip this reading? How do I just bypass the ugly parts? Do I take seriously that this is the inspired word of God? So I tried to do as Mary did - I held the words in my heart. And I prayed with them.

I don’t think God is asking me to offer blind obedience to my spouse, to compromise my dignity and value. That is certainly not the God that I have come to know and love. I think what God is reminding me through this call to obedience - even if I grit my teeth at that word - is that in family life, in marriage, in truly mutual relationships, we can de-center ourselves. We can imagine ourselves as part of a larger community. To live into real mutual relationships, you have to yield at some point. When I think of the word ‘subordinate’ or ‘obey’ I think of doing something because we have to, or out of obligation. But making choices from a place of love doesn’t always mean it’s exactly what we would want. And mutuality in that love, means someone is offering to yield in return. And so we trust that we will not be asked by those we love to sacrifice our dignity, our safety, or the core of who we are.

Relationships, friendships, partnerships, and marriages are not simple and mutuality is messy. Different seasons of life means our relationships in our families have to look different - sometimes one person is carrying more of the load than the other. Sometimes we have to be the one to take a step forward. And sometimes we are the one to take a step back. Sometimes we even have the graced moments where our steps are perfectly in sync. In a time where I struggled significantly with my mental health, my spouse carried more of our family load. He is currently taking care of our family once a week so that I can begin a doctoral program. I have carried, birthed and nursed our three children. These days, we are a bit more in sync, navigating our growth together, as individuals and as a family with our children.

Hopefully, as we navigate the back and forth of sharing life together, we aren’t figuring this out on our own. Hopefully we are navigating the complexities of family and marriage in conversation, in discernment with our loved ones. The gift of mutuality is that we are not doing this by ourselves. This love that is moving us to action is not going one way.

Mutuality requires courage. Acting out of love requires courage. They are sometimes scary but nonetheless sacred acts. Joseph and Mary were asked by God to receive Jesus as their son - and not as they probably imagined when they were first betrothed. We know that Joseph was scared and tried to quietly divorce Mary. I can’t imagine what she felt during that time. She gave her ‘yes’ to God and Joseph had the humility to listen and change course. God offers us Godself in the Incarnation - wanting to be so deeply with us that God chose to be human with us.

In a time when it may seem safest to preserve ourselves as individuals and avoid the risk of vulnerability, may we heed God’s radical invitation to love one another deeply and courageously. May we choose to trust that when we act out of love for one another, that love will be shared in return and enkindle in us the desire to only love more deeply.